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Ok so, you go through each day remembering yesterday, wondering about tomorrow, forgetting last year. I forgot that I was reading Pema Chodron last year. Why did I stop? The illness and death of a friend caused/is causing such an upheaval.

"A warrior begins to take responsibility for the direction of her life." Pema Chodron

"The essence of bravery is being without self-deception." Pema Chodron

Oh god but what happens when you just don't know you are caught up in self-deception? and what happens if you think you know your direction but you are going the wrong way? Is there a wrong way?

This journey of grief is a stormy and muddy way. I want the blue skies and the sunshine but the tears continue to flow. And if the truth can be told, really, I never want the tears to stop. I want to cry and cry and cry.

I have not been here

I have not been here in a while. A lot has happened. I have not written here about the death of my best friend, Theresa. I don't know why. The important thing is that I know she is living on within me. There are some very concrete examples of this and some more spiritual examples. But for instance, I now have numbness in my foot and leg. She suffered from numbness in her feet. I am also now lactose intolerant. She was lactose intolerant. I am singing and taking voice lessons. You might say this is just something I wanted to do, but seriously, my guitar sat on its stand for years, and now I am playing and singing again, I have written 16 songs since her death. This is not a coincidence. There is a void in the center of my being and I am searching. I think the music is helping me to make some sense of the intensity of this loss. I will post some songs and pictures next time. xo

Fw: here they are!

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

-----Original Message-----
From: Victoria Ferrara-Loris <vicferrara@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 2010 22:32:42
To: RosieF10@aol.com<rosief10@aol.com>
Subject: here they are!

Victoria T. Ferrara, Esq.
Law Firm of Victoria T. Ferrara, PC
2150 post Road
Fairfield, CT 06824
(203) 255-9877
vferrara@victoriaferrara.com

www.victoriaferrara.com
www.assistedreproductionlaw.com

Where are you. . .
next to my bed. . .
the dragonfly I see
in the digital Blackberry,
the pearl vision dragonfly,

the small bouncy ball
bumping through the
bathroom and
the halls,
the light bulb on,
the lights flickering off. . .
and on.

4-8-10

My First Motorcycle

Everyone has a first. A first child. A first time at Disney. A first
plane trip, a first motorcyle.


What was one of your firsts?

Children

Children - your children, my children, all children -- we so sincerely want the best for them. They are innocent. They deserve safety, love, honesty. After all, it is a confusing world. I explained ADHD this evening to my little son. He's ten. I think he understands. Better he understands it from me than some kid telling him he has mental issues. It breaks your heart -- when you think of their raw feelings - feelings without foundation. Can I provide the foundation that is necessary? I want to.

The fire burns.

The fire burns. Life evolves, fades, comes alive, darkens, ignites, is, is not, will be, can be. We can be.

January, 2010

Illness, suffering, life. There is a purpose. I am not always sure what it is. From time to time, I feel more sure. But the human condition is mysterious to me. I watch and learn and do.

Happy New Year

2010 - It is going to be a good one. Theme? Focus. And move forward. Make progress. Whatever that means for us. Anyway, just focus...